Living in a small town ain’t always easy because, sooner or later, if you live or breathe at all, rumors will go around about you because you’re never at home or always at home, you got a new car, or the one you have is beat to shit; because a good looking friend came to town and you went out to eat and offered no explanation to anyone; because you try too hard, or don’t try at all; because you had a Halloween fight on Ledgelawn Avenue where the entire town witnessed you, a giant octopus and your husband, a cowboy replete with a 10-gallon hat, a handlebar mustache, and a Nerf gun in his holster, standing in the middle of the road dropping F-bombs at each other with shrimp sized minions, ghosts, princesses, ninjas, and kitty cats running all around.
Seems quite specific, I know, but I assure you—I have never, ever worn an octopus costume.
But gossip isn’t always giggling about a potty-mouthed marital spat, other times it’s about big things like overdose, murder, suicide, cancer, or accidents. It’s meal trains. It’s stopping by the police station and picking up some naloxone for your pocketbook or your work first-aid kit. It’s remembering what happened on the black ice on McFarland Hill. It’s remembering. It’s also storytelling at its most basic.
Anyway, I’m working on a story where gossip plays a primary role in creating pressure on my main character, Reggie, a single Bar Harbor woman who has a 17-year-old son and sells lobster rolls on Main Street in a fictional building over by Geddy’s. She has a pretty big life, so she is the topic of many dos and don’ts around town. So this mini-dive is for Reggie, who suffers at the hands of the rumor mill. I also want to make sure that the rumor mill works for her, too; to show how it can rally a community and bring cohesion. In a recent, heartbreaking GoFundMe, I was reminded of this by Amanda Austin. When talking about her brother-in-law’s recent suicide, she wrote:
Tragically, Jesse left us yesterday after a silent battle within his soul that we did not know he was waging. Jesse was the love of my sisters life. They have been together 20 years. Jesse was not just the bread winner, he was her true North, the anchor to their families ship. His was an involved and loving father to boys that adore him. It doesn't make sense. Jesse was invested in every part of their lives. We are truly at a loss. We so wish he would have reached out to any of the many people that adored him. Anybody. But he did not. He carried his burden silently until he could not go on.
We are navigating uncharted waters but thankfully we live in the most loving, caring, and compassionate community on planet earth. This is not hyperbole. MDI is a family and we might bicker sometimes, but what family doesn't? When push come to shove we are so blessed to have grown on the rock with our MDI family I have already been contacted by many of our friends and family asking what yall can do to help. Krista has created a meal tree and we have started a Go Fund Me to help in this time of need with funeral costs, daily expenses, college expenses and adjusting to the absolutely devastating loss of Jesse and all the space and places he once occupied.
I spread this news, hoping that you might consider helping them. Click here to donate.
Zooming out to a sociological perspective, it’s easier to see the good side of gossip. Then when I zoom back in, it makes me consider my relationship with it. It’s been a good practice for inspecting my ethics around what’s ok to share, and with whom. The world feels tender all around me, and I want to make sure I’m being 1% less asshole. (digression alert) Nadia Bolz-Weber brought this expression into my life and I love her and her Substack for it. She’s a pastor, a progressive pastor, a take-me-as-I-am pastor, who is deeply thoughtful about understanding and navigating this imperfect and messy life. Yeah, there’s talk about God and faith but you’ll be ok. There are no thunderbolts. No wrath, or eternal damnation, either.
Back to the gossip mini-dive, here’s the eagle-eye version of its core aspects and uses within a community.
Basic Elements of Gossip
Information Exchange: Gossip involves the sharing of information, rumors, and news about individuals who are not present during the conversation. This information can be true, false, or a mixture of both.
Social Bonding: Gossiping is a social activity that helps build connections and reinforce bonds between individuals. Sharing information creates a sense of trust and/or intimacy among those involved in the exchange.
Norm Enforcement: Gossip can serve as a tool for social control, reinforcing social norms and values by discussing the behavior of others in terms of these norms. It can highlight what is considered acceptable or unacceptable behavior within a community.
Status and Power Dynamics: Gossip can reflect and influence the status and power dynamics within a group. Individuals who are central nodes of gossip networks often hold significant social power.
Entertainment: Gossip often serves as a form of entertainment, providing a source of amusement and interest for those involved.
Uses of Gossip
Social Cohesion: Gossip helps in creating a sense of community and belonging among individuals by establishing in-groups and out-groups. This can strengthen group identity and solidarity.
Conflict Resolution: In some contexts, gossip can be a way to air grievances and resolve conflicts indirectly, allowing social tensions to be addressed without direct confrontation.
Socialization: Through gossip, individuals learn about the social norms and values of their community, aiding in the process of socialization and integration into the group.
Information Network: Gossip acts as an informal communication network, spreading news and information quickly across social groups. This can be particularly important in environments where formal communication channels are limited or censored.
Influence and Control: Gossip can be a tool for exerting influence and control within a social group. It can be used to manage reputations, mobilize opinions, and even ostracize individuals from the group.
Personal Identity: Engaging in gossip can also help individuals explore and assert their own identities by aligning themselves with certain social norms and values through the approval or disapproval of others' behaviors.
What role does gossip play in your life, in your stories?
Where does it occur in your life? Snapchat, on the phone, the kitchen, FaceBook?
How has your relationship with gossip changed throughout your life?